I Know, You’re the Special One Who Can Text and Drive

Let’s be clear: this article is not talking about you. You’re a special driver with extraordinary talents, so texting behind the wheel comes easy to you. No safety risk whatsoever when you pull out an Android at 75 miles per hour. No, sir.

No, we’re talking about everyone else when we say that the steady increase in traffic fatalities since 2005 has been correlated to texting. Fatalities increased 10 percent in the first six months of 2016, and it’s steadily getting worse. The numbers clearly demonstrate that, although a lot of people think they can text and drive safely, they really can’t.

Except you, of course. Your brain responds with supernatural speed no matter how many things you’re doing at the same time. You’re like Jackie Chan in that one movie, like ballet and Kung Fu all mixed together. You’re awesome.

But for everyone else, AAA measured the brain activity of normal people while texting and driving in several types of vehicles, and the results were conclusive: The brain’s ability to safely control a car is dramatically reduced while using electronic devices—even hands-free.

Of course, we’re leaving you out of this discussion because you’re a special case. Your brain can do what science has proven the human brain cannot. You’re some kind of supernatural driving ninja. You are truly a superhuman.

But everyone else should stop using computers while they drive, and save some lives. To those millions of drivers with ordinary human brains—and to them alone—we say: please stop texting while you drive. Please focus entirely on keeping everyone around you safe on the road. After all, you’re not that superhuman ninja guy; you’re only human.